Another Year Passes

Well today marks the 2 year anniversary of when Brian passed away. In some ways it seems like it was forever ago. And there are other times when it seems like it was just yesterday. It's weird what the passage of time does to memories and emotions.

Last night as I was laying in bed I couldn't help but to reflect on the night before Brian's death. I remember it vividly. Something inside of me was screaming as loud as it could that his end was coming soon. It was so loud and deafing that I didn't wanna fall asleep. I remember saying 'I don't wanna fall asleep because I am scared Brian will be gone.'

As time has passed I have come to remember more and more. I have heard the stories of what happened and gotten details from others that have filled in the blanks of my memory when I kinda went on auto pilot. I have come to find out more about my friend's character in his death than I knew in his life. I've realized how he tried to protect and shield us from what he was feeling and going through.

Last night I busted out the Brian cd. And listened to just the first track - 'If you could see me now.' It talks about someone dying and being in Heaven and if we could see what they see on the other side. I didn't cry. But I found great comfort in hearing him sing the words. If I could see him now I know I would be amazed not only because he is in heaven. But because I could see past the things that held him down; pass the sickness, pass the flesh. I could take a glipmse at who he was really was - the person God always saw in him.

Yeah I miss my brother and buddy - I won't lie about that. But there will be a time again when we'll be able to cause some trouble together. In the meantime, I'll look up at the sky and wonder what he's up to. I'll think of the times we had together and I'll be content in the memories.

To my brother and partner in crime...I love you and miss you. Thanks for everything.

Brian Steven Howd
April 30, 1974 - June 23, 2002

http://www.livejournal.com/users/cindy_youthgal/2003/06/23/ - Last Year's Rememberance