The Clanging In My Heart

"If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal."

Most of my Christian life I have heard that verse and it has made sense, like many verses do on a surface level. Mentally you understand them. Spiritually it speaks to you heart and instills a certain level conviction. But tonight God brought this verse back to mind and spoke to me about it on a very straight and personal level.

As a musician I can understand how annoying a gong that just won't quit is or how a cymbal struck at the wrong time can stand out like a sore thumb and really ruin a beautiful piece of music. But tonight I realized the spiritual side on a different level.

There has been some stuff going on in my life lately. Honestly it seems like the worst roller coaster that could have ever been built is what I am riding on. And I don't like heights, surprises, twists, turns, anything that a roller coaster has to offer - I don't like.

It seems like anytime I get a grip on one piece of life another turn comes or we go over a hill and my stomach ends up in my eyes. Sometimes I feel like the twists and turns come out of no where and completely blind-side me and make me whack my head on the side of the cart.

Anyway, tonight as I was driving I was just trying to talk stuff out with God. Trying to gave some understanding on what the heck is going on. And He started speaking. Kinda piecing things together.

I am eaten alive with bitterness and resentment. Partly because I allowed a small seed to plant itself in me and partly because I seem to be unable to complete the steps needed to weed myself of it. At this point, it is not because I don't want to, it is because I can't seem to get the other party to give me a chance.

And God showed me very clearly that this bitterness and resentment is due to a lack of love. You see the crack in my heart developed when the sledgehammer of distrust and hurt was dropped. And from that moment on, my heart has gotten hard not to everything but to a lot of things.

Love disappeared. Actions in love faded. Being patient, kind, protecting, trusting, persevering - you know all those things that love is. Well they seemed to give way to emptiness. An emptiness that is so deep and so personal that it can almost consume your every waking thought. It is like a plague or a lead blanket - you can't escape it.

Love didn't come - so it became hard to return love. And now every action, every encounter, every moment within space of each other there is this loud clanging noise. I can't hear or see the image of God in this person. All I hear is a clanging noise that drowns everything out.

I realize that if I hear that, they must hear it too. All we've become is hurt to each other. And it breaks me. I have never ever ever wanted to hurt this person. I care more about them than I do for myself most times. I would give up my life or anything I have for this person. But when the well runs dry and you feel completely empty it is hard to keep giving.

I know I am rambling...but what I am trying to get at is I realized that lack of love no matter what it is mixed with, the message gets lost. If there is no love, there is nothing else.

I only hope we can rebuild. Oh God please let us rebuild. I can't keep going on like this.