The Clanging In My Heart

"If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal."

Most of my Christian life I have heard that verse and it has made sense, like many verses do on a surface level. Mentally you understand them. Spiritually it speaks to you heart and instills a certain level conviction. But tonight God brought this verse back to mind and spoke to me about it on a very straight and personal level.

As a musician I can understand how annoying a gong that just won't quit is or how a cymbal struck at the wrong time can stand out like a sore thumb and really ruin a beautiful piece of music. But tonight I realized the spiritual side on a different level.

There has been some stuff going on in my life lately. Honestly it seems like the worst roller coaster that could have ever been built is what I am riding on. And I don't like heights, surprises, twists, turns, anything that a roller coaster has to offer - I don't like.

It seems like anytime I get a grip on one piece of life another turn comes or we go over a hill and my stomach ends up in my eyes. Sometimes I feel like the twists and turns come out of no where and completely blind-side me and make me whack my head on the side of the cart.

Anyway, tonight as I was driving I was just trying to talk stuff out with God. Trying to gave some understanding on what the heck is going on. And He started speaking. Kinda piecing things together.

I am eaten alive with bitterness and resentment. Partly because I allowed a small seed to plant itself in me and partly because I seem to be unable to complete the steps needed to weed myself of it. At this point, it is not because I don't want to, it is because I can't seem to get the other party to give me a chance.

And God showed me very clearly that this bitterness and resentment is due to a lack of love. You see the crack in my heart developed when the sledgehammer of distrust and hurt was dropped. And from that moment on, my heart has gotten hard not to everything but to a lot of things.

Love disappeared. Actions in love faded. Being patient, kind, protecting, trusting, persevering - you know all those things that love is. Well they seemed to give way to emptiness. An emptiness that is so deep and so personal that it can almost consume your every waking thought. It is like a plague or a lead blanket - you can't escape it.

Love didn't come - so it became hard to return love. And now every action, every encounter, every moment within space of each other there is this loud clanging noise. I can't hear or see the image of God in this person. All I hear is a clanging noise that drowns everything out.

I realize that if I hear that, they must hear it too. All we've become is hurt to each other. And it breaks me. I have never ever ever wanted to hurt this person. I care more about them than I do for myself most times. I would give up my life or anything I have for this person. But when the well runs dry and you feel completely empty it is hard to keep giving.

I know I am rambling...but what I am trying to get at is I realized that lack of love no matter what it is mixed with, the message gets lost. If there is no love, there is nothing else.

I only hope we can rebuild. Oh God please let us rebuild. I can't keep going on like this.

A split decision

So I have been thinking about the being off next week and I thought why not take advantage of the time off and get something done that I have been wanting done. You see what I wanted to do there is a slight amount of re-coop and adjustment time.

So I was talking to Brit about it and I wanted her to go with me, we are supportive of each other getting pierced. What are friends for? :) But her time off at night was kinda limited for the next few days. So I was like hmmmm....get it done tonight (aka Thurs.) or wait till some point during the week.

Welp I got it done. And let me just say - it is sore. I don't remember it being this sore the first time around. It also did hurt a little more this time around than I remember from the first time.

I think this may be just a phase - I dunno.

Yahoo! News - Muslims Flock to See Messiah After Web Hoax

I saw this on Relevant's slices and it was just too funny not to share. Of course no one reads this - so it is really for my own amusement.

BERLIN (Reuters) - Hundreds of Muslims flocked to a German hospital where an Internet site said the Messiah was being breast-fed by its resurrected mother, a hospital spokesman said Thursday.

Spokesman Burkhard Buescher said large groups of women with children were among those who had traveled across Germany and from the nearby Netherlands in the last two weeks asking porters at the Essen university clinic to let them visit the "Messiah."

"The story ended up being that there was a woman in the clinic who had given birth to the Messiah and who had died. She was later dug up and was still alive but her whole body was burned -- just her two breasts were unharmed," said Buescher.

"Allah ordered the woman to feed the child for 40 days and then die again. This crazy story was seen by people on a Turkish Internet site," he said.

On the Internet portal Turkdunya.de, chatterers discussed the story and one contributor claimed to have seen the woman.

Hospital guards had told visitors there was no such woman in the maternity clinic, and the number of visitors had dwindled since German media reported the story was an Internet hoax, Buescher said.

"But some people just wanted to believe it."

Experts Say Mary-Kate Olsen Faces Long Road To Recovery

I read this article with a certain sadness. I'm not a fan of the Olsen twins but no one should be made to feel they have to be thin or look a certain a way.


"But it is treatable. As with overcoming an addiction, overcoming eating disorders can be a long process — for some, it takes four to seven years. Once Olsen finishes her stint in the treatment facility (see "Mary-Kate Olsen Seeks Treatment For Eating Disorder"), she should expect outpatient therapy to be part of her healing process.

"You can't walk out [of the clinic] and think everything's fine," Grefe said. "You have to be aware, and you have to work at it."

Part of the problem may be the social pressure that's put on women to be thin in order to be fashionable and desirable. "We need more Bridget Jones types," Grefe said. "We need to love our different shapes and sizes, as long as they're in healthy proportions. And we need to wake up, because women are dying."

Another Year Passes

Well today marks the 2 year anniversary of when Brian passed away. In some ways it seems like it was forever ago. And there are other times when it seems like it was just yesterday. It's weird what the passage of time does to memories and emotions.

Last night as I was laying in bed I couldn't help but to reflect on the night before Brian's death. I remember it vividly. Something inside of me was screaming as loud as it could that his end was coming soon. It was so loud and deafing that I didn't wanna fall asleep. I remember saying 'I don't wanna fall asleep because I am scared Brian will be gone.'

As time has passed I have come to remember more and more. I have heard the stories of what happened and gotten details from others that have filled in the blanks of my memory when I kinda went on auto pilot. I have come to find out more about my friend's character in his death than I knew in his life. I've realized how he tried to protect and shield us from what he was feeling and going through.

Last night I busted out the Brian cd. And listened to just the first track - 'If you could see me now.' It talks about someone dying and being in Heaven and if we could see what they see on the other side. I didn't cry. But I found great comfort in hearing him sing the words. If I could see him now I know I would be amazed not only because he is in heaven. But because I could see past the things that held him down; pass the sickness, pass the flesh. I could take a glipmse at who he was really was - the person God always saw in him.

Yeah I miss my brother and buddy - I won't lie about that. But there will be a time again when we'll be able to cause some trouble together. In the meantime, I'll look up at the sky and wonder what he's up to. I'll think of the times we had together and I'll be content in the memories.

To my brother and partner in crime...I love you and miss you. Thanks for everything.

Brian Steven Howd
April 30, 1974 - June 23, 2002

http://www.livejournal.com/users/cindy_youthgal/2003/06/23/ - Last Year's Rememberance

BarlowGirl - Never Alone lyrics

I waited for you today
But you didn't show
No no.
I needed you today
So where did you go?
You told me to call
Said you'd be there
And though I haven't seen you
Are you still there?

Chorus
I cried out with no reply
And I can't feel you by my side
So I'll hold tight to what I know
You're here and I'm never alone

And though I cannot see you
And I can't explain why
Such a deep reassurance
You've placed in my life.
We cannot separate
'Cause you're part of me.
And though you're invisible
I'll trust the unseen.

Stacie Orrico - Strong Enough

Will you pass me by?
Will you criticize me as I sit and cry?
I had fought so hard and thought that all my battles had been won
Only to find the war has just begun

Is He not strong enough?
Is He not pure enough?
To break me, pour me out, and start again
Is He not brave enough?
To take one chance on me
Please can I have one chance to start again?

Will my weakness for an hour make me suffer for a lifetime?
Is there anyway to be made whole again?
If I'm healed,renewed, and find forgiveness find the strength I've never had
Will my scars forever ruin all God's plan?

Is He not strong enough?
Is He not pure enough?
To break me, pour me out, and start again
Is He not brave enough?
To take one chance on me
Please can I have one chance to start again?

He took my life into his hands and it turned it all around
In my most desperate circumstance
It's there I've finally found

That You are strong enough
That You are pure enough
To break me, pour me out and start again
That You are brave enough
To take one chance on me
Oh Thank You for my chance to start again"

CNN.com - Bowie hit in the eye by lollipop - Jun 22, 2004

The mental picture i got when I read this story made me crack up. Can you image getting smacked in the eye....by a sucker? I wonder if it was wrapped or was is sticky and slimy with spit.

"OSLO, Norway (AP) -- Halfway through his third song at a Norwegian music festival, an object came flying out of the crowd and hit David Bowie in the eye.

It was a lollipop, probably sent as a message of adoration since Norwegians call the hard candy "love on a stick."

Bowie wasn't seriously injured at Friday's Norwegian Wood Festival in Oslo. He backed off the runway, hunched over, and was assisted by his set crew.

Within moments, he was facing the crowd of 7,500. Swearing at the unknown culprit, Bowie said he only had one good eye. The other eye had been damaged in a childhood fight.

"Lucky you hit the bad one," Bowie said, demanding to know who threw the lollipop. No one standing in the cold and drizzle came forward.

Bowie grumbled about the person or persons responsible hiding in the crowd. Then, regaining his composure and sense of humor, the 57-year-old singer said he was going to punish the audience by making the concert extra-long.

Later, during what the Norwegian media called one of his best concerts ever, Bowie continued to joke about the incident. He threw one of his guitar picks into the crowd, then asked if he'd hit someone in the eye.

"Oh, maybe I have to hide in the band," he joked.

Norwegian newspapers tracked down a young woman who claimed to be behind the mishap. They didn't publish her name, but said she claimed it was an accident.

The artist's official Web site said the eye was checked and wasn't seriously injured.

As for Bowie, he played 27 songs over nearly two hours and 20 minutes."

Is There An Afterlife

calnhobbes: Comics: Calvin and Hobbes

Frequency Rundown

So Saturday (19th) was the first Frequency @ the Underground event. The guys (Craig, Dan, and Dave) who performed did so great. They never cease to amaze me with their skills and heart. It made the night easier to handle knowing those guys were there and were capable of taking care of themseleves and had the same ministry heartbeat as we do.

The crowd was small -way small. And honestly it completely bummed me out. Lately the battle I fight is centered around crowd size. It seems like every club ug or electronic event I have ever been invovled in, never draws enough people to get the event out of the red. And for some reason as of late that has weighed heavily on me. I guess because I realize the numbers we need to stay open and moving forward. And I feel greatly responsible if the events don't help out money wise. But enough of that crap...

It was very cool to have Bryan and Greg join us for the event. My heart is to talk to people. See what they think of the place. Just start building relationships and the nights I am in charge that is kinda diffcult because you have 9 or 10 people who need direction and help. Plus you have to kinda keep an eye on everything. And it just makes it hard to sit down with someone and say hi. But having people who aren't on staff but who share the same ministry heartbeat is nice because you know they are watching people and talking to them. It is like I told Greg, I can't get to everyone but I know having them there increases the chances that someone will start a converstation with them.

But I will say this, Saturday made me realize something deep within me - but you'll have to wait for the next post for that.

Popular Science | Transparent Duct Tape: Improving a Classic?

For purists, duct tape will always be gray, ugly and indestructible. For the rest of us, 3M has developed a colorless version of the almighty adhesive. Over the last year, the company has quietly introduced "clear" duct tape that works just like the old stuff. The new tape has a "scrim" of white embedded fibers, so it tears crossways and lengthwise, just like regular duct tape. And while it's not exactly invisible, it is inconspicuous for minor repairs. According to 3M, the hard part was developing a see-through adhesive: most tapes use natural rubber, which isn't transparent. However you feel about duct tape coloration, the clear stuff will stick around--it's six times as durable as your old gray roll.

Pillar - Bring Me Down

Back in the day when nothing really mattered to me,
I only saw what my eyes, what they wanted to see.
And everything around me seemed to never change.
I'm looking for an easy way out, someone to blame.
Why does it work this way still today?
You wanna take somebody down along the way?
But I won't let that one be me,
'cause I don't want the drama it brings.
See today isn' t "back in the day" anymore.
I know a little more than I did before.
So don't forget before you try bringing me down,
what goes around always comes back around!

Chorus:
YOU CAN'T BRING ME DOWN! Do you hear what I'm trying to say!
YOU CAN'T BRING ME DOWN! I'll never turn the other way!
YOU CAN'T BRING ME DOWN! What are you trying to say?
YOU CAN'T BRING ME DOWN! It's not like I'm runnin’ away!

So you think you can see inside my mind?
You probably could if you just take a little time.
I know exactly what you’re trying to say,

But sittin’ in the stands ain't the same as playin’ the game.
So I can't comprehend in my mind,
Just why we can't leave it all behind.
So come on and stand beside the border line,
'cause tonight is the night we climb!

(Chorus)

OH!

Why can’t we feel what it takes for us to be real?
Why can’t we see what it takes for us to believe?
Why do we say all of these things th at bring us down?

(Chorus)

It's not like I'm runnin' away!

YOU CANT BRING ME DOWN!

The Desire To Dream

I have come to the place in my life that, if the assignment I sense God is giving me is something I know I can handle, I know it is probably not from God.

Balance

A lot has been going on in my mind lately. I've been wrestling with re-direction for my life. I'm reading a book that kinda brought the struggle on. It talks about how our life is like a table and how the legs are like our emotions, spirituality, mental state, and physical state. If one leg is built up the table becomes uneven and things in our life slide off. Or how if we neglect one aspect of our life the table again becomes uneven and our life gets off balance.

The analogy has really stuck in my head because it made me realize my table or life has no balance. I tend to neglect myself in the name of being a servant. I wear myself out and over extend myself. My emotions often tend to run away with me and cause me more harm than good. My mental state wavers from solid and secure to that of a 2 year old. Granted I can't say that most people have a perfectly level table, but I would like achieve some sort of leveling in my life.

So I have been in the state of mind of reassessing what I do. Do I do things because I want to? Because God led me to? Because I feel like it is expected of me? Is it healthy to do and be because of the influences put on you by others?

And thru all this searching I realize I do a lot because of expectations of others. I do because they expect it of me. Not because God has directed to me. And I often lack joy when I do because I am supposed to.

So in this season of thought, I have come to appreciate serving on a different level. A level that is truly gratifying. A level that fills my heart instead of draining it. I have noticed my service being more of a worship experience than work. And although it may have rough moments, there is more of a clarity in them.

I have also learned that when my body says it needs sleep that it is best to give it sleep. That spending some time at home just chillin instead of running around like a mad women is perfectly ok. I have learned to cherish going to the grocery store and shopping with God. I have even learned that it is fun to just go and sit somewhere and be completely alone with God.

I have learned that good Godly friends are priceless. That laughter and tears are sweet medicine to the soul. That crankin up some music and being silly is restoring after a long day. That you need people in your life to encourage ya, make you laugh, and inspire you to keep striving to be like God.

I am learning that balance is a good thing.

Stress

Well less than one week till FREQUENCY @ the Underground. I think the stress hit me today about it.

I have big dreams for the event. I see it being packed everytime. People coming from all over to hang out and dance all the crap of their life away. I see people finding the love of God through simple actions by the staff. I see just this overwhelming hugeness - something I can't completely fathom.

But the problem with big dreams is sometimes they bring about a big crash. I have always had dreams of Club Underground being the same thing. And well our biggest nights were our first few events and then we went downhill.

And I know that we have made an impact on people's lives whether the night has been big or small. I try so hard to focus on that. But at the same time I think of how much my silly little dream has cost.

I have been in the red more times than in the black. God only knows how much it has cost the Underground to keep doing the events. And dancing is the one of the first things people go after when they hear the different events we do at the Underground.

If I didn't push the events so hard I wonder if they would still be something that is done. I wonder if they are worth the effort, time, and money. I know that if they stopped I wouldn't stop giving my all to the Underground. I would still be 110% addicted to the place.

I also know that anything worth doing and doing right costs. It costs money, time, sweat, and everything in between. And I know I may not see the results on this side. But someday I will see them.

Perhaps this is just my attack from satan.

CNN.com - Somali charged in al Qaeda mall bombing plot - Jun 14, 2004

CNN.com - Somali charged in al Qaeda mall bombing plot - Jun 14, 2004

All I gotta say is that this is a tad too close to home for my taste.

"WASHINGTON (CNN) -- A Somali in immigration custody in Cincinnati has been indicted in an alleged al Qaeda plot to bomb an Ohio shopping mall, U.S. Attorney General John Ashcroft said Monday."

CNN.com - Court dismisses Pledge case - Jun 14, 2004

CNN.com - Court dismisses Pledge case - Jun 14, 2004

The court said atheist Michael Newdow could not sue to ban the pledge from his daughter's school and others because he did not have legal authority to speak for her.

Club J: Praise Jams Volume 1 - YUCK

I listened to this cd the other day at family and it was a complete waste of time. I would've have given this cd the time of day when I was around the age they are talking about. It sounds like Disney goes Clubbing.

Here is how the cd is billed..

"CD Title: Praise Jams Volume 1
Artist: Club J

FYI: Consumer analysts say that "tweens" – kids age 8 to 12 – are a 30 million strong demographic spending $38 billion dollars per year. The makers of Praise Jams have truly made this project a group effort; they worked with tweens and early teenagers in target-audience focus groups to determine everything from song selection to the CD's artwork.

Quote: Record executive Jeff Quimby says, "The 'tweens' and younger teens are beginning to search for music that fits their culture. Praise Jams does that while keeping a vertical focus. Stylistically, it's hot music that teens like with content that parents can feel good about."

The Bottom Line: In a youth-centered entertainment world increasingly plagued by filthy lyrics and all-around declining values, a wholesome release like Praise Jams sets a much healthier spiritual tone for tweens while still sounding musically relevant.

Featuring: The men and women of Club J perform 12 tracks on Praise Jams, from the techno/disco stomp opener "I Love To Be With You" to the light punk rocking "My Best Friend." Other fun cuts include an acoustic R&B take on Chris Tomlin's "Forever" and electric-charged rendition of Lincoln Brewster's "Let The Praises Ring." Three bonus "Club Trax" remixes are also featured.

David Schrader"

Bleach's Last Show

I just purchased my tickets to Bleach's last show ever. How sad but man what a show it is gonna be. On the ticket it list in addition to Bleach...Supertones, Relient K, Holland, and Seven Day Jesus. I am sooooo stinkin stoked to see Seven Day Jesus. I loved them when they were out. It's sad I have to see them at the final Bleach show but oh well.

The tickets are only 16.90. I thought they would be a whole lot more.

Anyway, see the link above if you want to buy tickets.

PFR Reunites?

News - CMCentral.com

Oh please let this be true!

According to Patrick Andrew, on the message board at patrickandrew.com, PFR is set to record again at the end of August. They are also opening for Jars of Clay for a show on September 17 and appearing at Atlantafest this summer. A note Andrew left in his forum states:


Couple of things going on-
Tomorrow and Friday, I'm recording a DVD press kit.
Next week PFR is at Atlantafest. Thursday. Doing interviews in Nashville on Friday.
My band for this album is rehearsing for local shows. Sounding really good.
Booking local & regional in-stores & appearances.
I'm playing with Rick Altizer Sunday night.
Release party July 21st in Minneapolis.
PFR to tentatively record August 29th.
PFR opens for Jars in Minneapolis Sept. 17.
So much more that I'm working on & excited about.
I may be leading worship or doing concerts at the chapels prior to the show Sept. 17th at Bethel College and Northwestern College.


What does this mean - is PFR headed to the studio for a special event, or are they reuniting for a full album? CMCentral.com will pass along more details as they become public.

Life

Well this past week has been pretty wild. Between working and the underground things have been non-stop. But I am proud to say that the Underground is now open. And although it is not completely finished - it is the pimpest thing around. Everyone who came seemed to love the place. Everyone was very excited.

I was stressed on Friday. After having been there late the night before and all day Friday I was running thin on just about everything. I escaped to BW3's for a few moments of alone time. Plus I was starving. Lately I have really become a loner. I don't know if it is just the fact that more often than not people who I am around completely get on my nerves. Or if it is the whole depression thing. Or if it is that I am just at a point where I want my time. I dunno. Perhaps it is everything I said.

I will admit for all the stress and crap that went down Friday, I still love working at the Underground. There is nothing like it. I know that it is my nitch. It is where I thrive. It is truly my heart's love. But at the same time, some of the staff can be the biggest pains in my butt.

At any rate, I'm tired and I think I am gonna jet.

Don't be a Wife to Your Boyfriend. Save That for Your Marriage

RELEVANT magazine :: GOD.LIFE.PROGRESSIVE CULTURE.

I could not have said it any better myself. Too often I see females doing this. The same is true for males too

First Captive Thought

Welp here is the first entry in my new blog. This will be where I post from now on.